apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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