I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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