dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
