I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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