she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
