I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
