I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
