I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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