Swine flu is the new snow day.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
