Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
