Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
