he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
