textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
