guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
