I think my fart just growled at me.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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