I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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