I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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