Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
