So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
