i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
