so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
