I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
