Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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