I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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