I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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