turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We left the knife in your bed.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
