I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
