i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
