guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My ass is underappreciated
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
