Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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