I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
How does one acquire holy water?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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