I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
