addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
