don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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