i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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