I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
