I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
