dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
