I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
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