You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
