I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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