i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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