So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i came on her dog
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
