Your face is a jimmy john
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
