dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
