she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
