I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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