Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
