please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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