Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
