the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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