I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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