You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
