Your mouth is God's brothel.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
