Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
